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Sunday, 28 October 2012

Well crap

I've got the blues. This has resulted in not so conscious eating. I had a BIIIIIIIIG dinner out last night. It was amazing, and I am not feeling guilty for it because I made that conscious decision to go out for dinner with my friend and that's that. It was the wings later on that night (after appies, full pasta, and dessert) that I am not proud of. And the three cookies I ate this morning. And the extra helping of leftover chinese this afternoon. This is what I'd consider a binge for me. A little spaced out than perhaps the more typical definition of a binge, but anything that happens this close together for me is considered a binge because it was spontaneous and purely for emotional reasons because I am sad and bored and lonely.

I am trying to overcome it. I am going to grab some water and clean my apt and since it's already 6:30 at night I am so far away from being hungry I think I can stick with some fruit for dinner.

Tomorrow is early work day, so I'm off earlier...I have a grocery trip planned and I have to go to Canadian Tire to get new pot lights for my kitchen, then I will workout and make a healthy dinner. Good plan. Now to put it into action.

Friday, 26 October 2012


This is my second on program WI. Down 0.6. So more than half a pound. Yes, a let down from last week, but I've been in this game long enough to know that big losses are not usually followed by big losses. So right now I am fighting disappointment because down is down right? I don't want to get into the habit of justifying what happens on the scale. What I mean is that if a loss is smaller than I was expecting and I justify it away then it makes it way too easy to justify gains. Is that just my own twisted logic?

So last night I had dinner out with my good friend from university. We went to undergrad and grad school together. We went to Spring Rolls...probably not the best place to go when watching one's sodium intake but I planned out a strategy in advance. A take out box from the beginning, only eat half, eat more of the veggies than the noodles. I also paid attention to my hunger signals. I probably still ate past my satisfaction level, but I wasn't stuffed either...not really close to the stuffed feeling actually, and I left a good amount of noodles and other good stuff on my plate. I also guzzled water the entire time, lol. Boy did I have to pee when I left (very stupidly didn't go at the restaurant...that's dicey when you're dealing with the never know when you're going to get home).

So let's look at this...0.6 is not what I was hoping for...however, could it have been a smaller loss, or even a STS or a gain? Hell yes it could have. I could have said to hell with it, let's finish that plate, get dessert and coffee and just throw in the towel. Did I do that? No. Kudos to me. What about earlier in the day? Did I say to myself, well, my dinner is gonna blow my dailies, might as well give in? No I did not. I pointed out my dinner in the morning, and then allocated the rest of my points accordingly. I was 2 PP over my dailies because I had a non fat latte in the morning cause I had to teach a grammar seminar at 9 am and you just can't do that without caffeine. So double kudos to me. After work and before dinner when I was really starting to get hungry, did I binge on crackers or anything else I could find to satiate myself before dinner? No I did not. Triple kudos. I didn't get in the activity I wanted after dinner because I had to prep for my class on Saturday, but there were so many good choices in my day that I can let that slide. I am proud of each and every one of the good choices I made. I powered through and that's amazing.

My feelings of euphoria that I was feeling last week may have passed because I am dealing with other emotions right now, but I am still extremely happy about how I handled yesterday and those are feelings that stick around (versus the honeymoon period). As of tomorrow my bf will have been gone a whole week, with two WHOLE weeks to go before he returns. It's really amazing how attached you become to the man-boys one chooses to live with (or whomever you choose to live with). I have good friends, and I am definitely not one of those girls who has no life outside her bf...but I really really miss my Moroccan, and it is my personal challenge to get through the next two weeks (seriously, 14 days has never seemed this long) without letting my sad and lonely emotions get the best of my weight loss. I think it's really important to get through this without eating my feelings.

So in light of everything, my 0.6 loss is a trophy for me. A nice shiny one that shows that I can make it through despite everything else that is going on in my life. Can't ask for more than that :)

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Saturday and Sunday

Here I am, all alone, my Moroccan safely in Morocco. I suck at being alone. I don't know where it stems from. I know when I was in high school I actually preferred to be alone...I skipped school to avoid my friend circle and their petty ass problems (I couldn't wait for university). That's not to say I was a loner, but I had "moods". I've always wondered if I had depression. Maybe something minor, not debilitating because I can swing pretty easily into sadness and melancholia for no particular reason.

Anyway, getting off track...once I hit probably middle to alte university being alone wasn't so good for me anymore. Once my dad passed, I couldn't handle it at all. I sometimes have nightmares when I have to sleep alone, and if I can't keep busy or hang out with my friends, I start thinking way too much and enter melancholia again. So I have my work cut out for me in the next three weeks.

I let myself wallow a bit yesterday. I had 4 slices of chicken bruschetta pizza from Pizza Pizza (tracked it all...21 points worth of pizza) and a cookie which I also tracked. I also had a hot chocolate that turned out to be 6 pp...SIX!! I only drank half. I cleaned my apt., and managed to watch a movie without snacking.

I also went to sleep with my 26 year old wrinkles dog stuffed animal (anyone remember those?? puppet/stuffed animal? got mine when I was 3 :) ), but at least I wasn't snacking, lol.

So that was my Saturday. It could have been a lot worse. On my drive back from the airport it took an hour and a half to get home...a trip that normally takes 30 mintes. Effing construction. So add extreme frustration and sadness together and my night could have been a lot worse. I really had to fight it though. I could feel it. I basically had to run past the Sobey's entrance when I was parking the car, inner monologue the whole way to keep me from buying junk food. All the old demons were there whispering in my ear..."it's just one night..." "you can get it all back tomorrow..." "you've been working hard..." And above all of that I just kept thinking of that feeling I had all last week and at my WI on Friday. That kept me walking past Sobeys. Because I had Indian food and pizza I knew that it would be a fight to show a loss this coming Friday. I don't have a lot to lose on my body frame, so splurges really show up if I'm not careful. Did I have extra stuff from what was already in my apt? Yes, but I didn't bring anything new in, and that's a major victory.

This morning I woke up, had my planned breakfast (2 eggs, piece of rye toast, coffee with 1 tbls creamer), continued to clean my apt (I hate laundry and floors and left them to today, lol), watched some tv, and then put this workout together:

This is a stair circuit I put together based on the original one I saw at Tone It Up. Since I live in a condo, I have a perfect space to do stairs, and they're amazing for the legs and butt (my problem areas!) I did 5 flights of two sets of stairs...I hope that makes sense. Math and anything related to math is not my strong suit. So 5 floors, and each floor has two sets of 6 stairs...anyway, it's tough. Then in between each stair interval I do a toning move. The last couple times I did this type of workout I did a mixture of upper and lower body, but today I did all booty. In total I think it took me 25 minutes and I was sweating and panting by the end of it. I am not a fan of steady state cardio, so this is a great way to get your heart rate up and get your toning in as well. Better fat burning capabilities.

So what's left for my day? Lunch, shower, grocery shopping, dinner, early to bed cause Monday's an early work day.

Tomorrow I'm going to a WW meeting...not my meeting, I'm not going to WI, but I don't have time to stay for my entire meeting on Fridays because I have to be at work at 10, and it seems to go past 9:30, so tomorrow evening I'll hit a meeting to get the full topic and stay for the powerstart session afterwards. Then I can be more relaxed on Friday.

Hopefully, if I can stay busy enough, I won't have time to be sad :)

Have a great Sunday!

Friday, 19 October 2012

WI back on track

Down 5.2 :D Did a big 'ol happy dance at that one. I couldn't stop smiling. Yes, it's the first week back, and I am not to expect losses like this to continue. But it was so nice to see that giant number and connect it to how well I was feeling and know that the feeling helped the loss. I want to keep that feeling.

I had a splurge meal tonight (Indian for my bf's last night in Canada till he leaves for Morocco for 3 weeks). Tomorrow will be my first real test...a weekend, and I'll be alone. That's two tests in one. I teach tomorrow, and normally I am STARVING when I finish. Most likely because I eat a hurried breakfast at like 8, then a small snack at 11 or so, so of course my tummy starts rebelling at 1:30 when I finish. I am very much a routine type of person when it comes to eating. Put that together with sadness and it's not a pretty picture.

But I am not going to let an empty house derail that feeling I had this week and that super charged feeling I had at WI today. What my bf's absence means is a true focus on myself. I can cook whatever I want (well, I do anyway, but even more so now), I can exercise and not have to worry about anyone else. I can basically just do my thing without having to think of anyone else for 3 weeks. That could be my silver lining to all of this. And yes, it will be a struggle because I know my triggers, but I have to learn to push that stuff aside and focus on what works. I'm going to say it again, it's all about that feeling I posted about yesterday. I can still feel it (slightly less now with a belly full of butter chicken and naan)...and it's a very powerful motivator.

So tomorrow I drop my bf at the airport at 5:00 pm. I'll probably be back home by 5:30 or so. My plan for tomorrow evening is to clean my house. Wooo, big Saturday night plans eh? But honestly, it's a disaster and I'll feel better about it if I just get it out of the way. I don't know if I'll exercise or not. I might do a JM dvd (which, btw, I just realised that I had posted about wanting to do the 30DS and finish it...totally forgot about it...doing other workouts now, so all is not lost :) ) one will be home, so I don't have to be quiet.

Sunday the National Women's Show is in Toronto...thinking of maybe going to do that...but what I am also going to do is another version of my stair circuit workout. It's quick, it's killer, and I can change it up. This time I am going to do the booty workout from Tone It Up followed, or preceded by the stair circuit...just to beef up the stair workout a little bit, and because I want to do a butt workout at least 3x per week, because according to people in the know, do something like that 3x per week for at least a month and you start to see I have never been consistent in my butt workouts, this has yet to be seen (by me anyway)....

That plus following my routine eating habits (no more splurges for me!) and I just might make it through the weekend unscathed!

Thursday, 18 October 2012

That feeling you get

When all is well and you're eating right and making an effort to exercise and your tummy is flat, your energy is up, and you feel that you can accomplish anything.

God how I have missed that feeling! This is the feeling that needs to be bottled and sold, or at least shared and remembered cause it's hard when you're down to remember what being ok feels like.

I've had a great week and what I need to do now is keep that in mind regardless of what happens at my WI tomorrow. This will be my first official back on the program WI, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't care. But this feeling right now, the feeling of being in control and not craving things because I'm fueling my body with everything it needs, the satisfaction I have of making a plan and following through...that's what I need to retain for tomorrow and the rest of my life. Because I will never be "done" with my journey. I think that's what has held me back in the past. There is no end in sight because I will always have to be careful, and that's not as depressing as it was a year ago.

So I need to remember how I feel now and I challenge everybody who has ever tried to lose weight or get healthy to remember their own feeling of satisfaction and's powerful and I don't want it to disappear.

Monday, 15 October 2012

I hurt and I was ok!

I did the following workout today: from Tone It Up. I used the stairs in my building. The workout said to find stairs with about 50 I live on the 12th floor, and so I ran from the 12th to the 17th, feeling all virtuous till I remembered my building doesn't have a 13th or 14th floor! lol. But all in all it was about 3-4 floors per stair interval. My heart was pounding! You run your stairs, walk back, then do a toning move (burpees in a stair well anybody??) then stairs again, then toning move, etc., etc.

Wow is all I have to say. Over in about 15-20 minutes, legs burning, lungs burning (there was a lot of burning going on! lol). This is something I can do easily! Now that I know how much time it doesn't take, this would be a nice morning wake-up.

Part of my fitness fear has been about finding things I like. Running and I will never be besties...bootcamp, umm, nope (was ok when I first started out, but now I just get frustrated at the slow pace and standard moves), dvds, can only go through those so many times. I need booty busting workouts that I can do easily, and so I really love that site I stumbled upon. These are motivating and hard core and I am happy to say that I like doing them (only done 2 so far, so maybe I'm in the honeymoon phase), but part of my fear has been about trying new things. But I tried this workout, and I took on spinning (class tomorrow!) so I think I am finally finding what works.

I am a little concerned about my lung power. When I do intense cardio my bronchials hurt so much I can feel it in my teeth (anyone else??)...I try to breath through my nose and that helps a bit, but I don't know if that's something I should get looked at, or if that's just because I let my lung health decline a bit by not going to the gym. I don't get faint or dizzy or anything, I can still breathe, but it hurts.

Anyway, very happy with myself today...stayed completely OP and I found a great workout. I also read an inspiring WW story from one of those weekly emails they send. The lady was a serial WW-er (ahem, like me), and I really liked her message about it all clicking for her. I'm not going to sit here and announce that I am never going off plan every again, cause hello set up for failure...but it's motivational nonetheless :)

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Self Esteem is nice

I did a baby resistance workout today. Nothing too crazy. Just a body weight/kettle bell weight (cause I didn't want to go all the way down to my gym where the regular free weights are) lower body routine that I found in Pinterest.

I left it pretty late in the day. I ended up making turkey soup from the leftovers from Monday (a little late, but my mom was remiss in sending me the time honoured recipe from my youth), as well as buttermilk biscuits from the WW site. Full dinner for about 6 pp or so (wasn't sure how to calculate home made turkey broth...did chicken broth instead, but I'm sure mine had a lot more fat in it). I was tired from working and cooking/baking but I made myself do it in order to get the popcorn and coke zero I was saving for my after dinner snack. So I sucked it up and just did it.

I was still a little bit scared. My bf is working in the same room and I didn't want/couldn't handle any judgement. I actually asked him to not make fun of me (pre-emptive I guess). He's never made fun of me working out before...but I was still nervous.

So I think what I am accomplishing is slowly breaking down the mental barriers that I somehow put up for myself in the past two months. I like having my self-esteem up where it's supposed to be. So it feels really good to have set plans for myself over the past couple days and actually have achieved them.

I even have points left over for the day. Not really planning on having them since I think my dinner was underestimated.

Now to get through tomorrow.

Friday, 12 October 2012


So I didn't get my resistance workout in. Fear? No, I don't think so. I forgot about it until I was eating dinner and was like, crap! I was supposed to work out. Not cool. This clearly shows how little of an impact fitness has made on my life. Two months ago I wouldn't have forgotten to work out. However, I was avoiding going home before sun down because fasting people are cranky, but beside the point. When I was fully committed before this wouldn't have happened.

I'm not beating myself up about it, don't get me wrong. I found it kind of funny actually. What I took away from it is that it wasn't fear. I didn't talk myself out of working out...I just forgot to schedule it in. Scheduling it in is a lot easier than dealing with fear, so I am ok with that.

After I get home from teaching tomorrow I will do it. Because I have the whole afternoon and because it would be a really nice esteem booster.

My other update? Yes, I joined meetings again. There is a 9am that I can get to before work that is sort of on the way. It is predominantly older people, but I think that's the demographic that comes out to 9 am meetings :) It felt good to be back. The result on the scale was another story, but if someone ever needed a wake up call, it's me.

I tracked everything I ate today. Even though I went to Red Lobster for dinner as a treat for my bf. I tracked that as best I could, and as a result, on the very first day of my tracking week I am down to about 20 WPs. I also ate two cookies early today. But I marked them down. Fridays were normally when I'd stop tracking. Not this time. Me and weekends are going to have a conversation, and I am going to win.

So there are my updates. Tomorrow I will write about how successful my resistance workout was. Because it will be.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Not so scary

Yesterday I made the plan to go to spin class...and guess what? I actually went to spin class. It was hard. So hard. My legs were killing me. My breath was short. I felt like I weighed a tonne sitting on that bike. Really, mirrors in spin class are just mean. Anyway...I was also the biggest person in that room. That galled a bit. But as the demonic instructor was yelling at us I just focused on what I saw in the mirror. I focused on the bulge of my butt, the extra wide hips and I stared them down. I focused on them and just imagined that they were shrinking. That the pain and breathlessness were those heinous parts of me melting away. Gave me strength when I wanted to stop pedalling.

That was the hardest part. Getting in the door. Actually sucking it up and getting to the gym. I was scared. I admit that. There was total fear involved. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel like I totally conquered that fear. I feel better going to spin class. I'll go again next week, and I really want to go to the one the week after that since Goodlife is opening a brand new gym for that gym and the cycling room looks amazing. But I'm still scared of my resistance workouts. Scared to get into the gym and do what I did before. Scared for my back. Scared of how I look in the mirrors and what others may be thinking (though I realise this is in my head, but still...) Seeing how squishy I've gotten in the past 2 months. Not being able to use the amount of weight I did before. So many fears and self-doubts running around in my head.

I have tomorrow planned as my resistance day. Either at the gym in my condo, or at a Goodlife on the way home. It's a lower body workout. Lot of body weight exercises with speed burst cardio built in. I don't want to build up this huge program in my head and intimidate myself. I've done that before.

I can't psych myself out. I am my own worst enemy, and getting back into fitness is scary and hard for me. I'll update tomorrow on how it went.

In other news....I'm going to a WW meeting on Friday. I'm not even telling my bf. I don't need any negative reactions right now. I'm just pretending that I have to go early to work. I haven't been the biggest WW supporter in the last 2 years or so. But one of the main reasons I stopped going to meetings is because I didn't have one that I liked, and I can't do online...if you're capable of doing online, just use MFP...way better tracking system, and it's free. I was the most successful doing meetings. I've never replicated that on my own. Huh, guess all the research behind their product makes sense ;)

I am going to try. I was cleaning out my closet this past weekend and found my weight tracker from 2009. I was down to 139. Holy sh*t was all I could think. It was a real kick in the pants, eye opener, whatever cliched phrase you want to use. And I consistently went down each week. I went from 152 to 139 in about 7-8 weeks or so. Not too shabby.

Time to mark some papers and prepare for my weekend teaching gig...the fun never ends :)

Monday, 8 October 2012

Fitness challenges

I am feeling down right now. I got up this morning and put on my workout gear (lil bit tighter btw), and set up to do the 30DS. 30 seconds into it (literally like 30 seconds), my bf is like, I can't work like this (he's does freelance and has a few big projects in the works). It wasn't even up high. He's like, can't you use a headset or something? Uh, does one work out tethered to the bloody tv? So I said, can't you use your headset? He has a wireless headset so he can listen to his music and not annoy me. I'm like, it's 30 minutes, you can't handle it for 30 minutes? Stony silence is all I got. I asked him about his headset, nothing. Then he's like, whatever, fine, just work. Which is code for, do it but I'm not going to be happy about it and I'll freeze you out for the next few hours.

So I turned it off. And he's like, I said do it! Just work! I'm like, no, you obviously can't handle 30 minutes of inconvenience so it's obvious you don't want me to do this. And he was like "ya right". I can't mimic the sound he made, but it was the incredulous, sure, blame me for not working out, cause you always find an excuse. It's so unfair. Getting back into fitness is hard! And he throws up an obstacle in my way, and then acts as if I am the one getting in the way of me working out? He can't handle 30 effing minutes of a workout DVD? When I handled 3 months of his family yelling (their form of talking) when I was trying to sleep?

So I'm disheartened. It was just such a selfish move. One of those moves that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. One of those moves that shatters my confidence and makes me not want to do anything. I was already self-conscious about working out in front of him anyway.

I have another workout that doesn't require a DVD. But I'm feeling so self-conscious now that I don't even want to do that. 

Why today when I was just getting back into it? Why on this lovely holiday long weekend? Ugh there are a lot of whys and a lot of pity parties I could be holding for myself right now. I just need to buck up and do my other workout. If I don't, then he wins and I lose, because I'm the only one who suffers when I don't do the things I said I would.

Just wanted to get it out there.

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Fitness Challenge...

I did fairly well on my goals this past week in terms of bringing my lunches to work. I did have take out chinese and thai food as well, but one or two meals are ok.

I didn't do well on my fitness goals. It's so hard to start things back up again. I was trying to analyse what I felt about that. And I think what I felt was fear. Fear of going back to spin class because holy hell is it hard (almost that same fear of doing it the first time). Fear of the pain that is sure to follow because I haven't done my workouts in about 2 months. Fear of once again getting to a good place and then letting it go again.

I have also thought a bit about my goals. I tend to make big goals. Maybe I am a baby goal person? I can't make monthly goals it appears, because I can't sustain it.

So part of my fitness fear is because prior to August I did hard core workouts. Big weights, whole lotta butt and leg stuff. I stopped that because I once again threw out my back and I just couldn't continue. Now that I am better I need to get back into the gym, or back into fitness (cause it doesn't have to be the gym). But I'm scared a little bit. Of the workouts I used to do. So I decided to make a smaller fitness goal for myself. I actually want to make it through the 30 Day Shred. I need to ease back into fitness, and 30 minutes a day seems an ok way to do that.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it 30 days straight, that's not feasible for me, so I am going to try for 5 days out of the week. I tend to get bored with the 30 DS, so that's why I want to try to get through each level in 10 days or so. What happens on the 30 DS is pretty easy (in terms of the moves), compared to what I had been doing, so something familiar and non-threatening. 

I am going to start tomorrow. My bf and I have a Thanksgiving day brunch cruise around the Toronto harbour what better day to start than on a day of a buffet and the day before turkey dinner?

I don't want a repeat of what happened in the Gap dressing room yesterday...disgust...anger...shame..sadness. I can't keep doing that. And I'm so sick of constantly making promises and goals and then having to renege or just fail. Kinda hurts the self esteem ;) I'm also thinking of going back to WW...meetings, not online. There's a meeting on Friday mornings that I could do before I go to work. I don't know how I feel about points plus...but it is quite apparent that I can't continue on my own.

Monday, 1 October 2012

Back to normal

Well, the inlaws left yesterday. After 3 months. My final thoughts? Mixed. Sometimes it felt very very long. Sometimes it felt like it flew by. It was not his parents. They are extremely nice people. My only issue was the break-up in my routine. The taking over of my house, my territory, etc., that was an issue. But overall, I was happy at how happy my boyfriend was when they were here. That outweighs the cons that I experienced.

So speaking of routine. People are generally creatures of habits, and the break in my routine and not having my "territory" (aka, my kitchen and my normal food routine) has my hips showing the strain. Also, note to self, don't buy pants one size too big. I got excited at the Gap cause a pair of their skinny jeans fit me. I didn't think ahead to when they got broken in and they're now too big for me. So I have a false sense of complacency that all is well in that department. All is not well. It's not really showing in my upper body, but my lower half feels so much heavier than it did two months ago. I did really well during Ramadan and before, but I fell apart after that.

So, as I partake in a fall cleanse of my apartment I am going to focus on getting back in routine and focusing on what's good for me.

I used to be really good at goals. I was a competitive rifle shooter for over 14 years. I could make and attain goals no problem. I was on the national team when I was 16 years old. I'm not completely certain why my weight and fitness goals are difficult.

I've been successful in my competitive history. Is that the difference? But I've also been successful in weight loss. I got to the point I am at right now and I've maintained. But I want more. So I will keep trying. I will never give up.

October Goals:

1) pack my own lunch to work

2) Spin class 1x/week

3) Resistance with integrated cardio 2x/week

4) Salad with every dinner and/or lunch

5) Weigh in once per week

Back to normal. Back to routine. Success will follow.