What do you do when...

Your workout kinda sucks and then you get home late and you make a dinner you've had before (and liked it), to only hate it this time? That's where I was at 9pm this evening. I had a rough run...no big deal. I didn't get angry, I kinda just laughed it off. Is it possible for the treadmill at my regular gym to be different from the one in my condo? And no, not mph versus km/h. This time I couldn't make it 10 mins without stopping. It was weird. I don't know why. It was the first run in my new shoes. That with the later workout and being leg tired from my workout the day before could have contributed. It's weird...it's not like my body isn't used to working out back to back, 5-ish days per week. Don't know why I'd get tired now all of a sudden.

So I leave the gym and go home. Bf's out with friends until an indeterminate time (that's a whole other point of discussion that I'm not gonna open up here), and I cooked something I liked that I had on the meal plan for today. Couldn't even get through a quarter of it. Blech. I hate it when that happens because then I feel so unsatisfied and I automatically head for the junk. So I portioned out some tortilla chips and skim mozza cheese and had me some nachos. Tracked it all. If I hadn't had that damn lindt chocolate I woulda managed nachos within my daily plan! lol. Oh well. Still OP for me :)

It's a change from what I would have done. There would have been no tracking, no portioning out, no control whatsoever. I wasn't satisfied from dinner, but that doesn't give me license to pig out. That makes me happy.

Time to sleep so my trainer can kill me tmr :)

Anger Issues

This is likely not news to my close friends and family, lol. But I do. I have anger issues. Today was my last session with my counsellor and I mentioned that the bf and I have been fighting a lot lately. And that I've had a lot of anger in the last several weeks about my weight loss. I don't have an outlet for my anger. So when small things happen (aka, a stupid comment from the bf, or a bad experience at the running room), I explode. I actually, in a sick twisted way, look forward to fighting with my bf cause I can yell and swear and get everything out. But that's not healthy. So it was my last free session with my counsellor. I only got 6 sessions cause it's through Warren Shapell through my bf's benefit package. But I think I want to continue seeing her. So because I started with her for weight loss issues, I'm gonna call back and request her for my anger issues.

We had our differences, but today I went over that with her. How I was feeling so much pressure from all sides (trainer, nutritionist, and counsellor) that I felt like a puppy who was being hit on her nose with a newspaper but had no reason why. So I think since I aired my grievances that we should be able to move forward positively.

What I also want to do is take this girls only kickboxing, MMA boot camp. I think I need to hit something, lol. I need to get this anger out. Regular exercise doesn't do that. But whenever I've done boxing etc., it's gotten some of the frustration out.

In running news, I went to a different Running Room location since the one I went to downtown Toronto sucked. Horrible experience. This one tried out 3 different pairs of shoes and told me the ones I was forced into at the other location are really too extreme for me. I bought a pair of Saucony and I have 30 days to try them out indoors to see if I like them. Going to go for a run tomorrow. I'm not expecting my shin splints to go away over night, but hopefully with proper shoes it will eventually go away.

Gotta keep the positivity coming :)

Need to intensify?

This is something I've been thinking about lately. Do I need to intensify my workouts? I can definitely eat cleaner, which I am trying to do (as a tip, if you're trying to eat clean, don't be persuaded to go to a Pakistani restaurant in Little India...and then, definitely don't eat chicken biryani, butter chicken, lamb kahari gosht, lamb chop, and naan......just sayin'...it was definitely coming back to say hello in the form of indigestion later that night).

My workouts are like this: 2 days a week I'm with my trainer. This is strength mixed with high intensity cardio bursts (think mountain climbers, burpees, skipping, etc.). Then I have 2-3 days of cardio. 30 mins each, with 1 steady state run, 1 sprint run, and 1 something else (elliptical or something). But to me, it really doesn't feel intense enough. I don't think I'm burning enough calories in my workouts, and then being confused when I don't see big changes in the 9 weeks since I've been back on track. Maybe I was expecting miracles? Probably. It's very common for me to have high expectations, of myself and those around me.

So I'm thinking of adding some butt cardio into my general scheme of things. A long time ago I downloaded Brazilian butt lift. I think I am going to add it to my trainer days (keeping my other cardio for the other days).

On the other hand...when is it too much? I read a very scary story of a woman whose body entered into starvation mode because she was exercising too much and not taking in enough calories. Now, I eat when I'm hungry (unless it's right before bed and I've eaten everything I planned...I will sometimes go to bed a lil bit hungry)...if I am hungry, I will not say, no I cannot eat, because I cannot spend the calories. That's not me. If I'm hungry, I eat. However, I am trying very very hard to make better choices when I am unexpectedly hungry. Fruit and veg etc. Having extra protein. So is this starvation mode thing a real thing? On average I eat about 1200-1400 calories per day. I'm 5 feet tall and 153 lbs. Is that enough for my body to survive (aka, get what it needs) and still lose weight? I'm trying to resist googling "starvation mode" cause really, I don't want to get conflicting information and if there's one way to get conflicting information it's to depend on the internet.

I guess the important thing to focus on is to be getting my daily nutrients in. Good oils, dairy, protein, fruit and veg in portion controlled amounts. And to up my protein when and if I do double workout days. It's still a concern for me though. I'm just so sick of how disproportionate I am from top to bottom. I have so much excess in my lower half that I look a mite ridiculous (IMO). Running and the elliptical are good, but I am really worried that I am not working hard enough. I'll have to ask my trainer about that.

Anyway...having an OP Sunday which is welcomed after my decidely OffP day I had yesterday (only dinner, but still). Have worked out (eff, I have shin splints btw! I need new shoes! But I had such a rotten experience last Friday at the Running Room that I didn't end up buying any!! Now I'm in pain cause I ran this morning, and I have my 5K race coming up :( I am going to have to find a sports doc in Toronto cause the GP I went to was useless).

Time to make dinner :)

Happy Tuesday

Today is good (despite that bitty slice of red velvet cake I had...seriously, I need that cake out of my house!!) I feel happy and in control. Met the bf for lunch today. His lunch was leftover chinese food. My lunch? A tuna sandwich on dark rye bread with veggies and some light dip. Today was also a pretty special day for me cause I got my 2nd rose of this journey :) The deal I have with my bf is one rose for every 5lbs. So now I have 2! And I'm 4 lbs away from my next one.

I am trying to carry on the positive attitude thing. It was nice seeing the ticker on my blog go down. I want those 4lbs to go away so I can be out of the 20s! Getting closer to like 10-15 lbs from goal makes it a lot more real to me. I was 13lbs away the last time I went off track and gained it all back. I had a good workout with my trainer. Apparently drill sergeant has come out to play. Who likes bulgarian lunges and burpees? Not me, let me tell you! Especially after double pulse walking lunges!! Seriously, if you don't know what bulgarian lunges are, google and try them. Good luck. The hurt like a mofo! (seriously, mofo doesn't get a red squiggly line showing an incorrect word? Wow...go pop culture).

My dinner tonight is a chicken and shrimp stir fry with veggies and quinoa. No rice for me!

On a different note, I strained my right inner ankle and I may have a mild case of shin splints. I got fitted for shoes at the Running Room and will pick them up on Friday (3 cheers for pay day! lol). I'm really hoping that new shoes take away the running pain. I have my 5K coming up and I want to be able to train for it (and actually run it) without pain. We shall see. Right now it hurts to walk. I'm doing non-impact cardio this week to give it a rest. Lil bit annoying though.

Time to make dinner, fold some laundry, mark essays and then hopefully relax a bit!

Attitude Adjustment

I think it's time for an attitude adjustment. I've been in a funk for the past cpl weeks...just mad at the world (ok, and an out and out bitch at times). Well enough of the damn pity party. A positive attitude brings positive results. I did a run today that I didn't want to do...it would have been so easy to stay at home since I am preparing for my bf's citizenship party tomorrow (totally not OP but I've planned for it :) ), but I read an article about making time for exercise. If I can sit on the couch and read an article (lol), then I can hit the gym. So I laced up and headed downstairs. Then I decided to up my game and increase my speed and did 20 straight minutes at 5.5. I'm still being held at 30 minutes total cardio per time I do it, so I'm not too worried about distance right now.

I want to hit my goal of 5 workouts this week. Tonight's was number 4. Tomorrow before I prep for the party I have another at home workout from my trainer, that'll put me at 5 and back on track.

I want to be more positive. Therefore, I am going to be more positive :) I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, one meal at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time...(how many cliches can I think up here?? lol). I felt really good after my run. Then, when I was stretching, I was able to touch the floor behind my head with my feet! I'm weirdly flexible, like seriously. Splits, touch the floor, everything. So when I'm all limber I can usually get my feet back and touch the ground behind me :) Not like cirque du soleil flexible but more than the average person I think. This also means that I'm more prone to injury since I can over-extend really easily (hence my back very likely). But anyway, every time I stretch I try to go farther. This time it was quite easy to get my legs back there, lol.

Then I came home and instead of the grilled cheese sandwich I wanted, I had eggs and half a grapefruit. One thing I really struggle with is that a certain amount of sacrifice is needed in order to get to my goal. Even when I was following WW there was sacrifice involved (compared to how I usually ate). Yes, I will have to say no to things more than I say yes...but for now, that's ok. I can re-instate some things when I am maintaining (within moderation of course), but there are some things that I won't be able to have around me anymore (hello kettle chips, I'm talking to you!) I can't buy those things. But if I can finally nail this moderation thing, I feel a little more confident about keeping things going. Like right now I'm gonna have the other half of my grapefruit cause I'm still a little hungry rather than the ginger cookies hiding in my cupboard :)

Have a great weekend!

Am I Not Ready?

I saw my counselor today and we were running through some of the issues I have with my inability to leave food if I see it. She told me that I have this Depression-era thinking that food is not going to be around, so I get the most of it when I can. This can stem back to my childhood (don't get me wrong, we were NEVER without food), but we had to travel 45 mins into the next town to get it, and we went twice per month (pay day). Eating out was a novelty, a treat. So I have this thinking that I am never going to have this special food so I'd better get as much of it as I can when I do get it. Fine when I was in a situation where it wasn't readily available. Not so fine when you live in the biggest city in Canada and literally everything is at your doorstep.

Anyway, she told me that probably the best solution for me was prevention. Don't have that trigger food. Don't go to ethnic restaurants (I think I had an episode at the Indian place on the weekend that would make my bf jealous, lol)...don't put yourself in the situation where you're going to have to face these huge temptations.

Now, I have a problem with this. How is that living?? How is turning down social engagements, always vetoing restaurants, never eating things that are truly pleasurable, living life? Why can't I be taught strategies for getting through these things, not just avoidance. Because you know what happens when you avoid? When, eventually, you are put back into that situation, you go friggin ape shit..pardon my language. You go nuts. I want to be taught moderation. How to learn to say no to some things, but that it's ok to say yes to some things. She told me that I wasn't interested in compromise. I said, no, that's not true. I don't KNOW HOW to compromise in a way that still allows me to live how I want to live and reach my goal. I am not adverse to cheat nights. I can do the 80/20 split. That's not a problem. But what happens when you have things that go over your allotted cheat meals? If my plan is 1 night out a week, what happens if there is more than one engagement? Say no? That seems odd. That seems like letting your problem control you rather than learning how to face and get over the problem.

I don't want to learn how to AVOID things...I want to learn how to CONTROL things. Avoidance is not the control strategy I want to use.

I want to eat those good foods. And then she told me, well maybe you're not ready for this. Maybe you're on your way to being ready, but not completely. Maybe you have to own up to the decisions you make, saying yes, maybe I would be in better shape if I didn't hit Baskin Robbins twice last week (this is an example, I haven't eaten ice cream in forever, lol). See that pisses me off. How am I not ready? How is my trying to find a way to have my cake and eat it too (hehe) not being ready? I want strategies (real ones, not avoiding), to deal with this situations. I want to know why I think the way I do and how to cope with it. I don't want to avoid life to be thin.

If I wasn't ready I never would have employed the various tools that I have. I think it's easier to avoid things than to learn how to deal with them. I can't avoid everything. I want the mental strategies to know how to cope, not pretend food doesn't exist.

Anyway...next week is my last session (I only get so many from my benefits). It's helped me to talk some things through. But I don't think we ever got to the root of what it was. Or if we did, I don't think we were coming at it from the same angle. I think hitting on the Depression-era mentality was important. But I am still no closer to figuring out how to conquer that, or changing my mindset, than I was at the beginning. That's frustrating. That means that I'm really no closer to figuring out my mental issues than I was 6 weeks ago. Looks like I'm back to figuring it out on my own. But at least I have some things to go on.

Bed...trainer session tomorrow.

5K!

I did a 5K run today without stopping! I've never done that before. There's a 5K function on the treadmill in my condo. I did walk for 5 minutes to warm up (didn't know there wasn't a warm-up attached to the 5K program)...then I jogged at 5.0 for 33 minutes (in total, 38 minutes, but I'm subtracting 5 mins for the warm-up). The last mile was rough, but the first 2.10 miles (aka 4ish kms I think) were good. I was singing along to AC/DC's Thunderstruck having a good time, lol.

So that's 4 days this week that I've worked out. Keeping in mind my horrendous eating this week, I need all the work outs I can get! I went crazy on Indian food last night. o...m...g...it was sooooo good. I was dipping my naan in the butter chicken dish, lol. My bf kinda just sat and stared at me. I ignored him, lol. I haven't had Indian food in almost two months. Considering I used to hit the buffet every few weeks, my cutting down to one dinner in two months is pretty good. But I did go a little overboard. This is after a HUGE breakfast at Cora's. Never again. I felt so incredibly gross afterwards. I'm getting kinda turned off their breakfasts. They're huge and they don't do good things to me afterwards. Good lesson :)

I am weighing in tomorrow cause I have Easter dinner tomorrow, so that's one more slightly large meal. I'm making it myself, but I'm not gonna lie, I never tone it down for the holidays. I have always (even when hard core on WW) done what I want to do on holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are my top ones. I grew up with huge family dinners and celebrations. To not do anything, or to do something half assed doesn't interest me. To me it's not properly living if I calorie count my holidays. If they only happen 3 times per year, I'm fine with that. Anyway, I'm not expecting a loss. Kinda expecting a gain with the food week I've had. But that's ok. I am using this week to re-evaluate what I'm doing and why I want to do it. Those motivation rocks I tracked down have started to lose importance. Even the roses from my bf when I lose 5lbs is kinda losing credence. So I need to bring those rewards back to the forefront and focus on them like I used to before I hurt my back.

This means removing the things that have been placed in front of my "pounds" jar...make it more prominent. And perhaps move the roses I've already gotten down off my bookshelf and onto something lower (I'm 5 feet tall, gotta bring it down to eye level! lol).

On a completely (like 360 degree) other topic...I'm getting a puppy! I've been wanting one for about 3 yrs, but have never been in the right situation to get one. I want a smooth miniature dachshund. Something that can handle living in a condo. I'm so excited!! I'm contacting breeders and think I have one in mind. She's super picky about who she sells to, and I like that she puts that much care into finding a home for her pups. I'm going to meet her in June at "Wienerfest" lol. Seriously, it's an all dachshund festival. Her pups are about $1100.00, so I've started saving already. By fall I'll have enough, with some leftover for supplies. I'm also reading up on the newest training techniques (my last dog was a golden retriever, and we were taught to train her with a choke chain...very happy those techniques are no longer popular). Not sure if my bf is totally on board, but seeing how I am going to be the one paying for her, taking care of her, etc., I don't really care what he thinks (you know, just how he gave me so much thought when he invited his parents to Canada...not that this is revenge, but still, the principle stands). So yay!! :)

Off to sleep. What is it nowadays, 11pm and I'm dead? Is that like an age thing? Cause it sucks. I used to be a night owl. Adulthood sucks, lol.

Back on track

I feel back in control. Eating within my plan and working out. Feeling a lot better than I was last week. My only exception was Red Lobster today for lunch because my bf officially became a Canadian citizen today and we celebrated. But that's ok. Those types of splurges are ok once in awhile. You need them to not go crazy.

I have a workout planned for later today, and back on track with food the rest of the day and tomorrow.

Still working on my homework from my counsellor. One step at a time :)

Off Track

This week has not been good. I hurt my back, which means no exercise, which also means I'm out of my routine and as explained before if you take me out of my routine bad things tend to happen. On top of my back work has been extremely stressful with 4 days of no internet and pissed off agents and students wanting every favour under the sun.

However, what is really bothering me is my seemingly inability to remain on pointe nutrition wise when my fitness is stalled. If I can't exercise, I have to make sure my nutrition is excellent. And it wasn't. I felt me coming apart a little bit at the seams. I was back to my old tricks where I know exactly what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway. Multiple cookies on Tuesday? Yup (simple pleasure ones, but still), 1/4 of a loaf of lemon loaf on Wednesday? Yup. About 10 molasses crinkles cookies on Thurs-Friday? Yup. Big burger and fries from one of those gourmet places on Friday? Yup, did that too. Bigger portions at home...check, check check.

Why is it the moment one feels sick or not 100% food is the only friggin solution?? I know it's not just me. Lots of people go through this. WHY?? I bounced back a little on Friday. Veggies and portioned out homemade pizza. But last night's dinner was incredibly oily greek food. This morning I ate 4 (FOUR!!) blueberry pancakes with maple syrup. I normally have 2. Eff.

I was talking with my counsellor on Friday and she wants me to make a note every day of 1 good thing I say yes to, and 1 bad thing I say no to. Just one thing. So it's not so overwhelming.

Not sure I'm doing so well. It's very hard for me to see the positive, so this is a hard exercise for me.

Oh well, even though I had 4 pancakes today, I'm not going to pull the "tomorrow is another day" routine. I'm going to take it from the moment I ate those pancakes to make it better. I have my dinner planned, and I'm really not hungry for lunch. But maybe some greek yogurt and fruit, or a light sandwich. Then I am going to do a light workout cause I miss it.

Time to get back on track so all my hard work isn't for nothing.