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Thursday, 19 January 2012


Hello, where you? Like the intense motivation I had two weeks ago. I'm still motivated, but not the burn-all carbs-I-love-vegetables motivation I had when I started. I know that intense motivation often fades. I still track and plan my meals. I am still exercising. Today is cardio recovery on Insanity. I chose to eat dinner first and then do it cause it's not as hard core as the others that I have to do on a near empty stomach so I don't puke. I am worried about longevity. This is obviously something I have a problem with. It's only been two weeks and I feel that I am slipping. Little tastes and cheats here and there.

Yesterday I had a KFC original crispy sandwich, fries, and a Dr. Pepper. I only had half of the sandwich and half of the drink, but still. I think I have narrowed in on my main problem. If I break my routine, I cheat. For example, yesterday I woke up and my eye was really bothering me, so I left work early to go to a walk-in clinic. I knew, in light of our great Canadian health care system, that I'd be waiting for a while. The last time I went to that clinic I waited 2 hours before I saw the dr. I took my lunch with me, to eat at home later. But as I was walking to the clinic, I had to pass through one of those great underground food courts so prevalent in downtown Toronto and I started to think, "I'm hungry. I can't wait until I get home. I may not get home for another 2-3 hours. All I have for a snack are some carrots and pepper slices", and bam, I found myself in the KFC line up ordering a chicken burger.

It's the break in my routine. If I had still been at work, I would have been quite content to eat my chicken and veggies, drink my green tea, maybe have my apple with peanut butter later. But I wasn't at work. I was out in the real world at a time when I should have been somewhere else. It didn't go well. So my question is, how do you deal with those breaks in routine? Each "slip" I've had in the last two weeks, (and there haven't been a lot), has been when my routine has changed. Weekends, breaks from work, etc. How does one deal with that?

That and continuing my motivation are what I'm dealing with right now. With New York looming on the horizon, I'm a little worried. Suggestions?

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Food Addiction...

I have a food addiction. There is no denial. I am addicted to food. I love it. I will love it to the point that it makes me sick. I am trying to conquer this on my own. But I don't know if I can.

I am quite vocal about my fitness and diet aspirations. I have a co-worker (doesn't everyone??) who is naturally thin, brings carrots and celery sticks for lunch with a sandwich on dense German bread with some type of healthy ingredient in it. I love her. Truly. This is not a hate-on-your-co-worker story. But it is a she-doesn't-understand story. I told my co-workers about my crescent roll lapse. And she kinda rolled her eyes and was like, "oh it's just one day", or "oh, it's just one chip," etc. And I'm like, no, you don't understand. One chip will crack me. One chip will throw me over the edge to where I am thinking "why bother, it's too hard, this tastes so good" and before I know it my gym clothes are gathering dust and me and McD's are intimate friends again. It's such a slippery slope, and I feel like I am always teetering on the edge.

I don't think I can afford counselling. I looked at my insurance plan and it only covers $500.00/year and is shared with my other paramedical expenses (think massage and chiropractic). Aren't counselling sessions like $100.00/hour? That doesn't seem doable if my insurance won't cover it. I also looked at Overeaters Anonymous. Didn't know that was a Christian organisation. I'm not Christian. I'm not anything actually (wooo, makes living with my Muslim bf soooo much fun sometimes!) I don't think I'd be comfortable following a program centred around God saving me and giving me the strength to proceed etc. etc. if I don't believe in that. Grrrrr, it's so frustrating! I'm not in denial! I have a problem! I just don't know how to fix it! FML!

Well that felt good : ) Little bit of a rant. Until I figure out what I can do to externally fix my problem, I'll just have to keep trying to work internally.

On another 2 of week 2 of Insanity done : ) Definitely sweating! It was pure cardio...HARD. But still going strong!

Monday, 16 January 2012

Week 2 of Insanity

Day 1 is done :) I came back to it. Gotta keep pushing. Today was a little easier. I didn't have to pause the video and rest. I still wasn't able to complete every single exercise to its fullest, but I can definitely see an improvement, which is so awesome. It was the cardio-power resistance, so a lot of lower body stuff and arms. Tomorrow is pure cardio...ugh. Instead of 30 second intervals, it's like 40 or 60 second intervals. Not impressed. However, as I am getting better, I need to push harder. My heart rate was lower today, and I burned about 80 less calories than my last workout. I don't want to plateau, so I need to push harder.

Diet...well, I was disappointed in myself yesterday. Not impressed with my lapses. I finally had to hide those damn crescent rolls...outta sight, outta mind. There's my answer to doing this carb free...hide the carbs, lol. I normally keep bread in the freezer, so that's was those darn rolls. So I hid them. But, as I was making dinner (totally yummy veggie chicken stir fry, no rice! with low sodium soy sauce and chicken broth), my mind kept travelling to those rolls hidden in the pantry. I could hear them calling to me. I didn't eat them...but I almost did. That's scary to me. I want to be able to have these foods on hand and not feel the inclination to eat them. How and when does that stop? I don't know how to deal with that mental game. This is what I believe is stopping me from being successful.

Aside from my battle with crescent rolls today, my food was good. Not enough water (kept forgetting), but regularly scheduled breakfast, snacks, lunch, and dinner.

Ready to keep it going tomorrow : )

Sunday, 15 January 2012

When carbs attack....

Sigh. 6.5 days without bread or processed grains of any variety, and today I caved. For breakfast it was my regular eggs and fruit with tea. Then bf and I went grocery shopping. Guess what made it into the cart? Those Pilsbury crescent things. The bf loves them. Especially with cheese. So I made them when I got home, but he had to go out suddenly to meet someone for some freelance work and I am left with these warm, soft, and oh so inviting crescent rolls. I ate 2 with my Smuckers no sugar added jam. No, wait...damn, I ate 3 of them! I ate one as they came out of the oven, and 2 after my lunch :( My lunch was good, a large fajita salad (green salad with my leftover fajita mixture with 1 tbls greek yogurt and salsa, and maybe 0.5 oz of cheese, it was really good). But after lunch, I'm sitting's away, no workout to distract me (rest day), and what happens? Two pieces of light rye bread find their way into the toaster, then covered in jam, and into my mouth. Still unsure of how that happened. All control went out the window. Oh, and I also had a friggin coke. A real one, not diet or coke zero.

I'm not sure how I feel right now (other than full). Am I pissed? Ya, a little bit. Am I guilty? Probably. I think how I feel will depend on how the rest of the day goes, and how I continue the week tomorrow. The bf is making Moroccan lentils today. Not really sure what that is, but Moroccan food isn't known for being overly fatty. However, tomorrow is back 100% to my 17 DD.

I think what just happened is a result of my routine being on hold (the weekend), and lack of supervision. That sounds funny, but if my bf was here, I wouldn't have eaten those rolls or the toast. He's  all on-board, and I wouldn't have wanted to deal with his questions about what I was eating.

So the question is, how does one deal with breaks in routine and lack of accountability?

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Week 1 of Insanity DONE!!

Holy crap. I never thought I'd make it! I have never worked out 6 days in a row before. Never. I am so proud of myself! Also, yes, the workout still killed me, but the warm-up was easier to get through, and the first and second round of the first set of exercises was a little bit easier. However, I still had to pause with 12 minutes left to catch my breath. I had some trouble completing all exercises in the last circuit. You essentially do everything 3 times, starting at a lower intensity then building up for each circuit. After the warm-up and the first round of exercises, I had some trouble. But, I did notice that I could do some real push ups this time, which was nice.

I also think this is largely a mental game. I was wearing my HRM, and I never got close to my redline number. I was consistently high in my "zone", like pushing the boundaries on that, but nothing close to my maximum. I suppose that's good right? From what I've read, you're supposed to be in your "zone" range for ultimate calorie and fat burning. However, it also shows that I wasn't working out as hard as I thought, lol. I could push it a little further. I think my biggest problem is that A LOT of the exercises, as in like all of them, use the lower body to power them. My lower body is my weakest's the part that needs the most work, so it gets tired really quickly. Sometimes my legs just give out and I have to stop. I guess only time will improve that. That, and pushing past my mental block : )

Food is good. However, I am going to have pho for dinner (Vietnamese noodle soup). Noodles and beef, two items that aren't on my food list. But it's not pizza. It's not pasta. It's not a lot of things that I would normally be chowing down on right now. Plus, I'm going ice skating! Insanity Day 6 and skating?? I think I can enjoy a little pho!

Have a great weekend and be strong!

Friday, 13 January 2012

Day 5 - Still Going

Day 5 was good. Nice and busy at work, which means I wasn't bored and wanting to eat. I was completely OP today except the fat free vanilla creamer I put in my coffee that someone bought for me. I work in a field where I need to entertain agents etc., to bring business to my school. If an agent brings me a coffee, I'm gonna drink it! I like being busy, because then I don't focus on my stomach and food. However, the one downside is that I may not notice my stomach, but I also forget to drink my water and green tea. Catch-22 apparently :)

When I got home I rested a bit then did day 5 of Insanity...Pure Cardio. Holy hell. It was an intense 20 minute warm-up (though I did notice that I am getting better in that), and then 20 minutes of kick me down, beat me up, then drag me behind a horse style of cardio with NO BREAKS! No breaks. None! Ugh. To make matters worse, my bf was home (the one Friday he doesn't hang out with friends). Didn't really feel like I could swear, and/or cry with him in the room. Open concept condos suck, let me tell you!

One thing that I am going to do to make this better is replace the battery in my heart rate monitor. I read a review of someone who did this workout and she wore her HRM so that when she was getting close to the redline it would notify her. That'd help keep me on track and keep my pace steady and let me know when/if I am in danger. I'd like more consistency. But also, it's week 1. I can't expect miracles here. Keep going and I'm sure it won't continue to feel like I'm about to explode.

I have to say, this eating plan is far easier to follow than I would have thought. Still no cravings. I really wanted fajitas, or something that wasn't grilled chicken and steamed veggies lol. Fajitas and tacos etc to me feel like "junk food", something easy and yummy on a Friday. So I made fajitas with lots of chicken, red, green, and yellow peppers, with the packaged mix (probably high in sodium, but I drink lots of water), then rolled portions of the mixture in iceberg lettuce leaves. Yummy, satisfying, and totally within my eating plan. I was very excited about that : )

I'm now enjoying a cup of candy cane lane tea (sooo good!) with some stevia and a splash of 1% milk.

Tomorrow I start my winter term at Humber. Ugh, 6:00 am wake up on a Saturday, not cool. $61/hr? Much better : ) Gotta make sure I have enough time for breakfast, then pack my snacks. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail : )

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Day 4 - Lil bit Cranky

It may be the lack of sugar/caffeine/carbs, but I am a little bit cranky. I did day 4 of Insanity Cardio "Recovery"...I'm putting that in " " because it's not killer killer, but damn it's still hard! A lot of lower body stuff, which is good, for me I guess.

I also didn't get enough sleep last night. The bf has this compulsion to turn on every light in the house and clomp around in his shoes when he gets home at 11:30 at night and I'm already in bed and have already texted him about please being quiet when he comes home...but does he listen? Ever? NOOOOOO, course not. You don't want to wake me me. I am that hibernating bear that will bite your head off if you interrupt my sleep. Couple that with my diet and exercise regime, and things are not going to be pretty. So we got into a mini-argument...he thought I was being bitchy, I thought he was being an inconsiderate jack-ass. Short story long, I didn't get to actually asleep until like 1. Not cool.

It's also about the time (for me anyway) when the honeymoon period of the aforementioned diet and exercise regime starts to fade away. Ya, it's only been 4 days, but the novelty is starting to wear off, and now it's time to find the motivation from within to just dig deep and get 'er done. This is where I usually fail. I am holding strong so far. I have my WI tomorrow. I am contemplating changing my WI day to Sunday since that's my "rest" day for Insanity (like, seriously this time, not that excuse for rest in the "Recovery" video), and it will also be a true week since I started everything. Fridays are my WW WI, so I'm gonna do it tomorrow (just to see), and then do it again on Sunday for real.

Time for dinner! Marinated chicken with salsa (supposed to be homemade salsa, but I really don't see that happening tonight, lol)...then some steamed veggies to use up my cauliflower and broccoli. Tomorrow is Day 5 of Insanity...back to the grind!

Be strong :)

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Day 3

Going strong :) Food good, workout, killer, but good. I feel capable and ready to continue. One hiccup in the plan is that my company wants to send me to NYC for a week. I've never really done well with exercising and eating on the road. My Insanity videos are on my computer (I can even transfer them to my Playbook for easier portability), so I can still do that in my hotel room, but food....oh the food. I'll be with colleagues, and it will be a completely different schedule than what I am used to. Just not sure how to plan for that.

I have to say, that yes, it's only day 3 out of my first 17 DD cycle, but the only thing I am really missing is coke, lol. Coke zero even since I didn't really drink regular coke. I'm not so much missing the bread or other carbs, but my pop...yup, that's a craving I have. I have always had a coke addiction, and I kinda went cold turkey here without realising that I couldn't have naturally or artificially sweetened things. Oh well, what is more important, filling my craving or getting to goal??

I almost caved today. My co-worker got pop chips from the vending machine (that's her idea of junk food, lol), and I could smell them....I could taste them...I wanted them. So I asked if I could have one. I took 1.5 chips and then my other co-worker was like, "no, don't eat that! You don't want that, put it down!" The chip co-worker was like, "whatever, it's two calories, no biggie", and the rescue co-worker was like, "it doesn't matter! She's been so good, and if she eats them she'll just be mad at herself!" So I surrendered the 1.5 chips to the rescue co-worker. She was right. Even 1.5 chips would have made me mad at myself. I read somewhere that saying "no" to food is like a muscle...if you don't exercise it, it'll never get strong. Each time I say no, I strengthen my resistance muscle, and that just means success will be faster...probably not easier, but definitely faster.

Tomorrow is Insanity day 4...cardio recovery. Thank god. Was back to alternating between wanting to puke and cry tonight, so a touch easier will be nice. Plus, some very interesting areas of my body are hurting pretty badly.

Have a great night, be strong!

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Day 2


Just finished day 2 of Insanity....





It was 40 minutes long...and for about half of it I alternated between wanting to either puke or cry...ok, sometimes I was near to doing both at the same time! It was INSANE (umm, I guess hence the name?? lol). However...I finished it. I never gave up. I may have been panting in the prone position on my living room rug for some parts of it, but eventually I got up (each time) and I kept trying. I am proud of that. I yelled, I grunted, I swore (seriously, I was like a she-demon)...which puts the kibosh on doing this workout early in the morning. Don't think the bf would be too pleased to be woken up at 6:30 am to me swearing and yelling from the living room! To be fair, I live in a teeny tiny condo, so the living room is right outside the bedroom. I also don't think I'd have the energy to do it in the morning. You need fuel in your body to do this.

On the eating cheating! No oopsies! I had a planned venti skinny caramel macchiato (160 calories) because I got my Starbucks birthday card and I wanted to use it. So I planned it, tracked it, and thoroughly enjoyed it. Now for my BBQ chicken (marinated in fat free italian dressing), and steamed cauliflower and broccoli seasoned with garlic and salt and pepper with a tiny bit of shaved parmesean. So far I am not really missing my carbs. Usually even by day 2, I am missing my bread, pasta, and potatoes. I seem to have a different mind set this time. I fill up on my veggies (I even have back-up raw veggies in case I can't finish my cooked veggies), lots of water and green tea, fruit, and probiotic yogurt. 2 days down, 15 more to go until I get good grains again :)

I'm content and happy, which is awesome. I feel so good about how I'm doing and have no desire for bad food. I'm going to keep this going!!

Bring on Day 3!! Have a great one, be strong!


Day 2 is going well. Filling breakfast (had to split it up and take it to work with me, I couldn't finish it all at home). Had a bit of an oopsie last night...I bought homemade lobster dip in December with the plan to use it at Christmas but i forgot it when I went back home. It cost $21 for this tiny jar and it kept staring at me whenever I opened the fridge. I caved. Ate about 1/4 of the jar with saltine crackers. I gave the res to my bf, but still. I couldn't waste the money, I just couldn't.

Today is a new day. First real day for Insanity, so I'll update later with those results.

Have a great day!

Monday, 9 January 2012

Day 1 - Success :)

It went well. I had all of my food. Except I left half my salad at lunch. Wow, does eating salad take a lot of time and effort! I have re-affirmed, that unless it's greek or caesar, I am not a salad person. At least not with leafy greens. I prefer cut up veggies with a light dressing (a la a greek salad) versus the leaves. Not a fan of the leaves.

I ate my designated snacks and didn't feel deprived, and only a little hungry. But I'm honestly not going to take the few hunger pains that I had today seriously. My stomach is used to much much MUCH more food! Let's be honest, I am not, nor have I ever been, starving! It needs to get used to reasonable portions again. One thing that I do have to work on is timing of my snacks. I will likely need something protein based before I work out, and then there is the mid-morning snack, but I wonder about the evenings. Maybe that's just a habit I need to break? We'll see how it goes.

I tried a new recipe tonight. Garlic roasted cauliflower and broccoli with salmon. It was good...except it's made with white wine, and I think the recipe I followed was too big for what I was doing. I didn't have as much veggies or fish, so the wine kind of overpowered everything else. I was able to kinda eat the veggies, but then they got cold and I really couldn't do it (anyone who's ever read my other posts knows my challenge with vegetables). Luckily, I had a back-up plan...I had cut up a pepper and baby carrots so that I had half veggies on my plate (I'm touch and go with cauliflower and broccoli, lol). So when the roasted veggies were hot, they were good, but when they cooled off I couldn't do it anymore. I will try again tomorrow. The salmon was tasty.. I liked it. But I have a problem with store bought pre-packaged salmon. You know those kinds that come in the blue packages pre-portioned out? So different from fresh caught salmon (I'm from BC, I would know). The texture is really different. I can't really shell out for whole salmon at this point, so I'll just have to suck it up.

I also did the fit test for Insanity!! It was insane. You really do have to "dig deeper" as Shaun T. is wont to say. It is so easy to stop and give up until the time runs out. What I like is that I will do this fit test in another two weeks, so I'm hoping to see some major improvement. It was also kinda cool to see that on some of the moves, I was only a few reps away from the people on the video. On others I was way off, but not gonna focus on that!

Tomorrow is the first "real" day. It's hard core cardio. What I like about it is that like half way through there is a stretching phase, which means you get a chance to pull yourself together and gear up for the next half.

So I'm excited, and looking forward to just jumpstarting my health and fitness :)

P.S. Ok, I have to confess...right now I am drinking a coffee with 1 tbls of coffeemate peppermint mocha is allowed on the 17 DD, but the creamer is definitely not. This is my only oops of the day, and tomorrow I'm replacing it with green tea with a little truvia

Be strong!

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Geared Up

Groceries are bought and portioned out (including making my own salad mix, cause I ain't paying like $5 for something pre-packaged that is more likely to go bad faster than putting it together myself), and meals are planned for the week. Workouts are also planned.

I downloaded Insanity. *gulp* No, wait, erase that and replace it with *yay!* cause I am not getting into the mindset that I can't do it. I can do it. I am strong (or will be!). With my freelance job gone, I have time for these workouts, and at like 45 mins a piece (or shorter) that's as much time as I would spend in the gym anyway. Trying to convince my bf to join me. He's in IT, so that should give you some indication of his musculature :) Don't get me wrong, the guy is small (aka, not chubby or anything)...but I can also pin him down and hold him with like one of my he could use some resistance training :) Uphill battle, but I'm trying.

It's time to be serious and to actually follow through with something! I have quit EVERYTHING I have ever tried...including WW. That isn't going to get me anywhere. I am getting a lot of inspiration from other bloggers, the WW boards, and this one friend on my FB who is a fitness nut. I love seeing her status updates. I want to be able to brag about my success, so I am going to do it.

Tomorrow is the Insanity fit test. Yes it looks killer (especially the move where you squat and then jump up into the air and slap your knees, that honestly may kill me), but I have done very similar things. This is all body weight, with a lot of intervals, heavy on the cardio, something I need. I have to do this...I need to do this. For me, finally, to not be so afraid of the success that can come when you actually put your mind to something and follow through.

Wish me luck :)

Friday, 6 January 2012

New Year...

2012....weird. I am also one more year closer to that dreaded 3-0 (rapidly leaving the "late twenties" I have listed here). I REFUSE to enter that very very scary place (aka, outside of my 20s) not at goal. Weight loss just gets harder with age. Don't really want to keep delaying my success.

I had already made the plan/commitment before Christmas to get it back together. It was working. I was making the time (for exercise at least). In a recap about the gym, I found out that they sold me pre-fabricated sessions (hence the treatment I got when speaking to the trainers etc.) They also refused to honour my sessions as customizable sessions. So I asked for a refund. Except, now I feel as if I am labeled as the "difficult customer" whenever I walk in there. I basically told the personal training manager that she was a judgemental b*tch when I had my meeting with her, so whenever I see her, I just have this feeling that she's rooting for my failure so that she'd feel as though she was right (in telling me that their way was the only way). I need to move gyms. Except there's no women's only close by. I just have to get over it I guess, but it's still uncomfortable.

In other news, I quit my freelance job. I only made about $300 extra per month. I don't even want to know how much money I spent eating out because of this job and the lack of time because of it. I figured it wasn't worth my energy anymore. Especially considering what it was doing to my home life (pretty sure my bf was starting to forget what I looked like), and what it was doing to my more lucrative second job at a college. So with regret (I did enjoy it and the people), I quit yesterday and it feels great. I am so looking forward to either hitting the gym next Monday and then coming home and cooking a healthy dinner for my bf and I, or coming straight home, maybe doing a workout video and then dinner...all likely before 7/8 pm! It's craziness I tell you!!

I have also bought a fitness and diet journal, and I am committing to the 17 Day Diet. Bad name, actually sensible premise. It's all about jump starting your body and basically doing a cleanse for 17 days (by cleanse I mean healthy, clean eating, no grains, processed food etc, nothing crazy there), and then 2 more 17 day cycles that gradually give you back some of the good carbs and widen your food base. I am taking 2012 as the year to get over my fear of vegetables. People constantly tell me that sushi takes getting used to. I am going to try very very hard to use this mentality with vegetables. No more assuming I don't like something. I am also going to try playing with seasonings...garlic does wonders!! My mom gave me a low carb (not no carb!!) cookbook in my Christmas has some very tasty options in there that are well balanced. So does the 17 day diet. It's really about sensible eating.

I might also try WW meetings again. I don't know if I can really afford it (just found out I now make too much (pshaw!!) to qualify for repayment assistance on my student loans and now have to start giving them money :( ), because the support is amazing. But I've also never really given the online thing a chance. And since you can now get lifetime online like in meetings, maybe it's worth it to pay a bit more attention.

I've tracked solidly for 2 days, and I am happy to be moving forward. Grocery shopping this weekend. Meal planning tonight. Bring it on!